Prin tried living on her own once, for a whole summer. In fact, I got to bear witness to this attempt because it was me wid whom she shared a place. Dis where d’irony is. You gotta know what Pane an Pinch is really like in order to appreciate it. When I first moved into da neighbourhood... Actually, da’s how me an Prin met. Both of us got into Dork U. And we both needed a roommate. So, we enlisted online and each other is what we found. Together we went out in search of an apartment.

So mosta d'houses we looked at were pretty run-down. Der was one place where once d'agent (‘cuz de landlord couldn be bothered to show us de place hisself, of course) had finished givin us de tour an accompanyin spiel we happened upon de tenants o’d'apartment below ours. Dey were comin down de stairs de same time as us. Dey musta recognized d’agent-guy or somethin ‘cause when dey saw us comin dey stopped on de landin an waited for us. Den dey started bawlin out d’agent cuz dey couldn believe de landlord was showin de place when it was practically fallin apart. Chunks o’der ceilin were fallin down into der bathtub. But dese were d’only kindsa places dat I could afford. I had to be saving up for med school, yo. Prin stuck wid me cuz she felt like me and her would make good roommates, and’at was one thing dat she wanted to be able to count on. Eventually we found a place an got all our shit moved right into d’heart o’de Pain and Pinch neighbourhood cuz da’s pretty much what surrounds Dork U. In some ways i’s good cuz i’s like exposin a lotta bourgeois suburbanites (like Prin) to shit dat dey wouldn’t normally experience. On d’other hand... De very next week after we got ourselves moved in d’apartment above ours got all busted up, not only were dey robbed but all der windows were smashed an all de shit dat wasn stolen got fuct up an ruined somehow by de robbers. Later on me ‘n Prin actually discovered dat de robbers had gotten into our place somehow, dey jus hadn gotten around to takin anythin dat was o’much value. But das another story. I was worried dat our neighbours might be a bit suspicious of us because we had no idea dat de whole ting had happened. You know, like, why didn we hear all dat shit gettin busted upstairs an what-not. But we all were talkin about it an it turned out dat me ‘n Prin were out shakin our asses til late de nite dat it happened, so we weren’t around to hear a thing. Anyway, just a week after dat whole thing happened, Prin got mugged at knifepoint.

See, how it went down was Prin was carryin a video camera dat she got from de media library at school. De media centre der does everythin dey can to keep dis sorta ting from happenin. Dey put stickers on d’outside o’de cases for d’equipment dat say, “Biohazard”, “Toxic Chemicals”, etc., but I guess maybe some crooks done figured mosta dat shit out by now. So, here’s Prin carryin a video camera in a case dat advertises rotten chemicals, and all of a sudden she hears some guy walkin behind her and his pace is increasin. She thinks dat he’s jus goin to pass her by, but instead he grabs her roun de neck an holds a knife to her face. He says real close up in her ear dat if she don hand over de case he’s gonna fuckin slit her throat. She drops de case. He jus kinda laughs, still in her ear. He says, “Now lets see what else you can give me.” At which point a car comes ‘roun de corner wid headlights bright to illuminate de scene. De fuckin shitass coward thief grabs de case an takes off. De car wasn goin so fast, an it stops an’ a man jumps out to see what de hell is goin on. Prin is standin frozen in de spot where she was accosted. She can’t speak, she can’t get any sound to come out at all. Dis man is tryin to communicate wid her. He’s tryin to piece together what happened, but she’s all in shock. Der’s a spot on her neck where a little bit o’blood is comin out now, a spot where de coward fuckhead thief was holdin his stupid knife.
Prin drops to the ground. This freaks the man out, and he tries to pick her up, but as soon as he touches her she screams an just runs into dese trees dat are nearby. She keeps runnin an’ runnin til she finds a spot under a bush where she hides an sits an tries to compose herself for bout an hour. Den eventually she gets up again an runs de rest o’de way home. She stays up de rest o’de nite sittin on de couch cross-legged watchin some jesus infomercials on de christian channel. Dis is where I find her de next mornin, an man, she’s a fuckin mess. I’m tryin to tell her dat she needs to inform de cops an whatnot an she’s all like, what fuckin good is dat gonna do. She wants to kill dat fuckin creep. She wans to get a vigilante crew together an take down his ass herself.
“Yeah, ok. We can do dat but, maybe first to make it look all official we should at least tell de media centre what happened an dey’ll help us fill out a police report an’ stuff.”
“Ok, but you don’t understand. If we do that they’ll know that I’m out to catch his ass an then they’ll be on to me an’ then they’ll try to stop me or somethin.”
“Hmmm... But maybe dey could help somehow.”
“No way. I’s gotta be me an I’m gonna get Jess and Lisa Tai... YOU know how tough Lisa Tai is. And Olivia, an Christine.”